Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lint trap v. ESPN

Last night I made the mistake of reading an ESPN magazine article by Adam Proteau (it was so painfully bad I'm not even going to post the link).

Supposedly it was about the state of the Leafs, but I could have learned more about MLSE and my beloved Blue and White by staring into the lint trap on my dryer for 12 to 15 minutes.

In addition to the lack of any original thought, insight, or quoted sources, Proteau included the requisite update into the angst level of Leafs Nation.

As a member of said nation and one who's feeling rather optimistic about all things Leaf at the moment, I sent Proteau an email asking how reporters always seem to know what Leaf fans are thinking/feeling.

Based on the frequency of this topic appearing in Leaf coverage, I can only conclude that the hockey media have secretly commissioned a statistically valid research study to gauge and track the feelings of Leafs Nation on a week by week (if not day by day) basis so they can report it back to us.

While I wait for Mr. Proteau's response to my email (not sure if that makes me Vladimir or Estragon) I thought I'd simplify things for both the media and Leaf fans everywhere by creating the Leafs Angst Metric (or LAMe)

Based on the United States Homeland Security Advisory Levels, the LAMe enables media types everywhere to free up a paragraph or two worth of space in their articles by simply stating that the angst level in Leafs Nation is orange or red.

Leafs Angst Metric (LAMe)
Of note: the only time the LAMe will ever likely drop to green or LOW is in the 12 hours immediately following the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Exactly twelve hours and one minute after a Stanley Cup win, the media will automatically reset the angst level to Yellow.


  1. Anonymous10:42 am

    Awesome, though I think 12 hours might be giving the mittenstringers a bit too much credit.

    Adam Proteau wrote an incredible piece in the first month of the season about what a great story the Sens were, and how it was impossible for anyone to cheer against them. I keep meaning to dig that one out again.

  2. 12 hours is more than enough time for the hangover to subside, but the memory would still linger. Sort of like, well, most stupid things anyone does after a night of drinking. Then you'd wonder if you had just dreamed it.

  3. Anonymous5:18 pm

    Then you'd wonder if you had just dreamed it.

    If the Leafs won the cup I would have to watch the highlights of the clinching game and the ceremony every day just to confirm that it happened.

    Then again the burning wreckage that would be downtown would probably be a hint that something big had happened.

  4. Anonymous9:03 am


    Not sure if would stay green for even 12 hours. Someone, whether it was on CBC, TSN, or take your pic of the local news stations, would undoubtedly conclude their reporting on the Leaf Cup victory by asking, "Can they repeat?"

    I think the green state lasts for at most 23 minutes.

  5. Anonymous2:06 pm

    I think the green state lasts for at most 23 minutes.

    That's a good point. Would it even make it to one full loop on Sportscentre?

    I figure it goes:
    1. Game Highlights
    2. Trophy presentation
    3. Player Reaction
    4. Video of the celebratory mob
    5. Panel wondering if the Leafs can repeat.

    So...about 8 minutes?

  6. Anonymous2:06 pm

    That was me!

  7. I'm thinking 12 hours is way too kind. It wouldn't surprise me if the media raised the issue of the difficulty to repeat as champs during the locker room interviews.

    By the time it got back to the panelists at TSN and Sportsnet, the talking heads would likely just list all the reasons the Leafs will be unable to repeat as SC Champs.

  8. I saw this and literally could not stop laughing for five minutes. Seriously I love it. I need one for the Devils really I do.

  9. Really great post. How long did it take before they asked Selanne and Niedemeyer if they'd be back to help Anahiem repeat? Had the trophy even been presented? Was the game even over?